Play

A while back I posted a version of the Samuel Beckett play Not I. At the time I was looking for a particular version of Play but it had been removed from YouTube. I have now found the version I was seeking on Vimeo. So, for your cultural edification, starring Alan Rickman(M), Kristin Scott Thomas(W1), and Juliet Stevenson(W2), here it is. :)

http://vimeo.com/28766126

PLAY

 A play in one act by Samuel Beckett

 

Front centre, touching one another, three identical grey urns. From each a head protrudes, the neck held fast in the urn's mouth. The heads are those, from left to right as seen from auditorium, of w2, m and w1. They face undeviatingly front throughout the play. Faces so lost to age and aspect as to seem almost part of urns. But no masks. Their speech is provoked by a spotlight projected on faces alone). The transfer of light from one face to another is immediate. No blackout, i.e. return to almost complete darkness of opening, except where indicated. The response to light is immediate. Faces impassive throughout. Voices toneless except where an expression is indicated. Rapid tempo throughout.

 

The curtain rises on a stage in almost complete darkness.
Urns just discernible. Five seconds.
Faint spots simultaneously on three faces. Three seconds. Voices faint, largely unintelligible.

 

(altogether)

W1: Yes strange    darkness best     and the darker    the worse

W2: Yes perhaps    a shade gone    I suppose    some might say

M: Yes peace           one assumed      all out         all the pain
W1:till all dark    then all well    for the time    but it will come

W2: poor thing    a shade gone    just a shade    in the head

M: all as if    never been    it will come   Hiccup. Pardon

 

W1: the time will come    the thing is there    you'll see it

W2: Laugh . . .    just a shade    but I doubt it

M: no sense in this    oh I know    none the less

 

W1: get off me    keep off me    all dark    all still

W2: I doubt it    not really    I'm all right    still all right

M: one assumed    peace I mean    not merely    all over

 

W1: all over    wiped out   --

W2: do my best    all I can --

M: but as if    never been --

 

Blackout. Five seconds.

Spots on three faces. Three seconds.

 

(altogether)

W1: I said to him, Give her up –

W2: One Morning as I was sitting –

M: We were not long together--

 Spots off. Blackout. Five seconds.

Spot on W1
W1 : I said to him, Give her up. I swore by all I held most sacred --
[Spot from w1 to w2.]
W2 : One morning as I was sitting stitching by the open window she burst in and flew at me. Give him up, she screamed, he's mine. Her photographs were kind to her. Seeing her now for the first time full length in the flesh I understood why he preferred me.
[Spot from w2 to M.]
M :  We were not long together when she smelled the rat. Give up that whore, she said, or I'll cut my throat -- [Hiccup.] Pardon -- so help me God. I knew she could have no proof. So I told her I did not know what she was talking about.
[Spot from M to W2.]
W2 : What are you talking about? I said, stitching away. Someone yours? Give up whom? I smell you off him, she screamed, he stinks of bitch.
[Spot from w2 to w1.]
W1 : Though I had him dogged for months by a first-rate man, no shadow of proof was forthcoming. And there was no denying that he continued as . . . assiduous as ever. This, and his horror of the merely Platonic thing, made me sometimes wonder if I were not accusing him unjustly. Yes.
[Spot from w1 to M.]
M :  What have you to complain of ? I said. Have I been neglecting you? How could we be together in the way we are if there were someone else? Loving her as I did, with all my heart, I could not but feel sorry for her.
[Spot from M to W2.]
W2 : Fearing she was about to offer me violence I rang for Erskine and had her shown out. Her parting words, as he could testify, if he is still living, and has not forgotten, coming and going on the earth, letting people in, showing people out, were to the effect that she would settle my hash. I confess this did alarm me a little, at the time.
[Spot from W2 to M.]
M : She was not convinced. I might have known. I smell her off you, she kept saying. There was no answer to this. So I took her in my arms and swore I could not live without her. I meant it, what is more. Yes, I am sure I did. She did not repulse me.
[Spot from M to W 1.]
W1 : Judge then of my astonishment when one fine morning, as I was sitting stricken in the morning room, he slunk in, fell on his knees before me, buried his face in my lap and . . . confessed.
[Spot from w1 to M.]
M : She put a bloodhound on me, but I had a little chat with him. He was glad of the extra money.
[Spot from M to W2.]
W2 : Why don't you get out, I said, when he started moaning about his home life, there is obviously nothing between you any more. Or is there?
[Spot from w2 to w1.]
W1 : I confess my first feeling was one of wonderment. What a male!
[Spot from w1 to M.]

M :  He opens his mouth to speak –

      [ Spot from M to W2.]
W2 : Anything between us, he said, what do you take me for, a something machine? And of course with him no danger of the . . . spiritual thing. Then why don't you get out? I said. I sometimes wondered if he was not living with her for her money.
[Spot from w2 to M.]
M : The next thing was the scene between them. I can't have her crashing in here, she said, threatening to take my life. I must have looked incredulous. Ask Erskine, she said, if you don't believe me. But she threatens to take her own, I said. Not yours?  she said. No, I said, hers. We had fun trying to work this out.
[Spot from M to W1.]
W1 : Then I forgave him. To what will love not stoop! I suggested a little jaunt to celebrate, to the Riviera or our darling Grand Canary. He was looking pale. Peaked. But this was not possible just then. Professional commitments.
[Spot from w1 to w2.]
W2 : She came again. Just strolled in. All honey. Licking her lips. Poor thing. I was doing my nails, by the open window. He has told me all about it, she said. Who he, I said filing away, and what it? I know what torture you must be going through, she said, and I have dropped in to say I bear you no ill-feeling. I rang for Erskine.
[Spot from w2 to M.]
M : Then I got frightened and made a clean breast of it. She was looking more and more desperate. She had a razor in her vanity-bag. Adulterers, take warning, never admit.
[Spot from M to w1.]
W1 : When I was satisfied it was all over I went to have a gloat. Just a common tart. What he could have found in her when he had me --
[Spot from w1 to w2.]
W2 : When he came again we had it out. I felt like death. He went on about why he had to tell her. Too risky and so on. That meant he had gone back to her. Back to that!
[Spot from w2 to w1.]
W1 : Pudding face, puffy, spots, blubber mouth, jowls, no neck, dugs you could --
[Spot from w1 to w2.]
W2 : He went on and on. I could hear a mower. An old hand mower. I stopped him and said that whatever I might feel I had no silly threats to offer--but not much stomach for her leavings either. He thought that over for a bit.
[Spot from w2 to w1.]
W1 : Calves like a flunkey --
[Spot from w1 to M.]
M : When I saw her again she knew. She was looking -- [Hiccup.] --wretched. Pardon. Some fool was cutting grass. A little rush, then another. The problem was how to convince her that no . . . revival of intimacy was involved. I couldn't. I might have known. So I took her in my arms and said I could not go on living without her. I don't believe I could have.
[Spot from M to W2.]
W2 : The only solution was to go away together. He swore we should as soon as he had put his affairs in order. In the meantime we were to carry on as before. By that he meant as best we could.
[Spot from w2 to w1.]
W1 : So he was mine again. All mine. I was happy again. I went about singing. The world --
[Spot from w1 to M.]
M : At home all heart to heart, new leaf and bygones bygones. I ran into your ex-doxy, she said one night, on the pillow, you're well out of that. Rather uncalled for, I thought. I am indeed, sweetheart, I said, I am indeed. God what vermin women. Thanks to you, angel, I said.
[Spot from M to W1.]
W1 : Then I began to smell her off him again. Yes.
[Spot from w1 to w2.]
W2 : When he stopped coming I was prepared. More or less.
[Spot from w2 to M.]
M : Finally it was all too much. I simply could no longer --
[Spot from M to W1.]
W1 : Before I could do anything he disappeared. That meant she had won. That slut! I couldn't credit it. I lay stricken for weeks. Then I drove over to her place. It was all bolted and barred. All grey with frozen dew. On the way back by Ash and Snodland --
[Spot from w1 to M.]
M :  I simply could no longer--
[Spot from M to W2.]
W2: I made a bundle of his things and burnt them. It was November and the bonfire was going. All night I smelt them smouldering.


[Spot off W 2. Blackout. Five seconds.

      Spots half previous strength simultaneously on three faces. Three         seconds.

 Voices proportionately lower.]

 

Altogether

W 1 : Mercy, mercy --

W 2 : To say I am –

M :    When first this change—

 

[Spots off. Blackout. Five seconds.

Spot on M.]


M : When first this change I actually thanked God. I thought, It is done, it is said, now all       is going out –

       [Spot from M to W1.]
W 1 : Mercy, mercy, tongue still hanging out for mercy. It will come. You haven't seen me. But you will. Then it will come.
[Spot from W1 to W2.]
W 2 : To say I am not disappointed, no, I am. I had anticipated something better. More restful.
[Spot from W2 to W1.]
W 1 : Or you will weary of me.
[Spot from W1 to M.]
M : Down, all going down, into the dark, peace is coming, I thought, after all, at last, I was right, after all, thank God, when first this change.
[Spot from M to W2.]
W 2 :Less confused. Less confusing. At the same time I prefer this to . . .  the other thing. Definitely. There are endurable moments.
[Spot from W2 to M .]
M : I thought.
[Spot from M to W2.]
W 2 : When you go out -- and I go out. Some day you will tire of me and go out . . . for good.
[Spot from W2 to W1.]
W 1 : Hellish half-light.
[Spot from W1 to M.]
M : Peace, yes, I suppose, a kind of peace, and all that pain as if . . . never been.
[Spot from M to W2.]
W 2 : Give me up, as a bad job. Go away and start poking and pecking at someone else. On the other hand--
[Spot from W2 to W1.]
W 1 : Get off me! Get off me!
[Spot from W1 to M.]
M : It will come. Must come. There is no future in this.
[Spot from M to W2.]
W 2 : On the other hand things may disimprove, there is that danger.
[Spot from W2 to M .]
M : Oh of course I know now--
[Spot from M to W1.]
W 1 : Is it that I do not tell the truth, is that it, that some day somehow I may tell the truth at last and then no more light at last, for the truth?
[Spot from W1 to W2.]
W 2 : You might get angry and blaze me clean out of my wits. Mightn't you?
[Spot from W2 to M .]
M : I know now, all that was just . . . play. And all this? When will all this--
[Spot from M to W1.]
W 1 : Is that it?
[Spot from W1 to W2.]
W 2 : Mightn't you?
[Spot from W2 to M .]
M : All this, when will all this have been . . . just play?
[Spot from M to W1.]
W 1 : I can do nothing . . . for anybody . . . any more . . . thank God. So it must be something I have to say. How the mind works still!
[Spot from W1 to W2.]
W 2 : But I doubt it. It would not be like you somehow. And you must know I am doing my best. Or don't you?
[Spot from W2 to M .]
M : Perhaps they have become friends. Perhaps sorrow --
[Spot from M to W1.]
W 1 : But I have said all I can. All you let me. All I --
[Spot from W1 to M .]
M : Perhaps sorrow has brought them together.
[Spot from M to W2.]
W 2 : No doubt I make the same mistake as when it was the sun that shone, of looking for sense where possibly there is none.
[Spot from W2 to M .]
M : Perhaps they meet, and sit, over a cup of that green tea they both so loved, without milk or sugar not even a squeeze of lemon --
[Spot from M to W2.]
W 2 : Are you listening to me? Is anyone looking at me? Is anyone bothering about me at all?
[Spot from W2 to M .]
M : Not even a squeeze of--
[Spot from M to W1.]
W 1 : Is it something I should do with my face, other than utter? Weep?
[Spot from w1 to w2.]
W 2 : Am I taboo, I wonder. Not necessarily, now that all danger is averted. That poor creature -- I can hear her -- that poor creature --
[Spot from w2 to w1.]
W 1 : Bite off my tongue and swallow it? Spit it out? Would that placate you? How the mind works still to be sure!
[Spot from W1 to M .]
M : Meet, and sit, now in the one dear place, now in the other, and sorrow together, and compare -- [Hiccup.] pardon -- happy memories.
[Spot from M to W1.]
W 1 : If only I could think. There is no sense in this . . . either, none whatsoever. I can't.
[Spot from w1 to w2.]
W 2 : That poor creature who tried to seduce you, what ever became of her, do you suppose? -- I can hear her. Poor thing.
[Spot from W2 to M .]
M : Personally I always preferred Lipton's.
[Spot from M to W1.]
W 1 : And that all is falling, all fallen, from the beginning, on empty air. Nothing being  asked at all. No one asking me for anything at all.
[Spot from w1 to w2.]
W 2 : They might even feel sorry for me, if they could see me. But never so sorry as I for them.
[Spot from w2 to w1.]
W 1 : I can't
[Spot from w1 to w2.]
W 2 : Kissing their sour kisses.
[Spot from W2 to M .]
M : I pity them in any case, yes, compare my lot with theirs, however blessed, and--
[Spot from M to W1.]
W 1 : I can't. The mind won't have it. It would have to go. Yes.
[Spot from W1 to M .]
M : Pity them.
[Spot from M to W2.]
W 2 : What do you do when you go out? Shift?
[Spot from W2 to M .]
M : Am I hiding something? Have I lost--
[Spot from M to W1.]
W 1 : She had means, I fancy, though she lived like a pig.
[Spot from W 1to W2.]
W 2 : Like dragging a great roller, on a scorching day. The strain . . . to get it moving, momentum coming --
[Spot off  W2. Blackout. Three seconds. Spot on W2.]
W 2 : Kill it and strain again.
[Spot from W2 to M .]
M : Have I lost . . . the thing you want? Why go out? Why go --
[Spot from M to W2.]
W 2 : And you perhaps pitying me, thinking. Poor thing, she needs a rest.
[Spot from W2 to W1.]
W 1 : Perhaps she has taken him away to live . . . somewhere in the sun.
[Spot from W 1to M.]
M : Why go down? Why not --
[Spot from M to W2.]
W2 : I don't know.
[Spot from W2 to W1.]
W 1 : Perhaps she is sitting somewhere, by the open window, her hands folded in her lap, gazing down out over the olives --
[Spot from W 1to M.]
M : Why not keep on glaring at me without ceasing? I might start to rave and -- [Hiccup.] -- bring it up for you. Par --
[Spot from M to W2.]
W 2 : No.
[Spot from W2 to M .]
M : -- don
[Spot from M to W1.]
W 1 : Gazing down out over the olives, then the sea, wondering what can be keeping him, growing cold. Shadow stealing over everything. Creeping. Yes.
[Spot from W 1to M.]
M : To think we were never together.
[Spot from M to W2.]
W 2 : Am I not perhaps a little unhinged already?
[Spot from W2 to W1.]
W 1 : Poor creature. Poor creatures.
[Spot from W 1to M.]
M : Never woke together, on a May morning, the first to wake to wake the other two. Then in a little dinghy--
[Spot from M to W1.]
W 1 : Penitence, yes, at a pinch, atonement, one was resigned, but no, that does not  seem to be the point either.
[Spot from W1 to W2.]
W 2 : I say, Am I not perhaps a little unhinged already? [Hopefully.] Just a little? [Pause.] I doubt it.
[Spot from W2 to M .]
M : A little dinghy --
[Spot from M to W1.]
W 1 : Silence and darkness were all I craved. Well, I get a certain amount of both. They being one. Perhaps it is more wickedness to pray for more.
[Spot from W 1 to M.]
M : A little dinghy, on the river, I resting on my oars, they lolling on air-pillows in the stern . . . sheets. Drifting. Such fantasies.
[Spot from M to W 1.]
W 1 : Hellish half-light.
[Spot from W 1 to  W2.]
W 2 : A shade gone. In the head. Just a shade. I doubt it.
[Spot from W2 to M.]
M : We were not civilized.
[Spot from M to W 1.]
W 1 : Dying for dark -- and the darker the worse. Strange.
[Spot from W 1 to M.]
M : Such fantasies. Then. And now--
[Spot from M to W2.]
W 2 : I doubt it.
[Pause.]

 W 2:  Peal of wild low laughter [cut short[

     [spot fromW2 to W1.]
W 1 : Yes, and the whole thing there, all there, staring you in the face. You will see it. Get off me. Or weary.
[Spot from W 1 to M.]
M : And now, that you are . . . mere eye. Just looking. At my face. On and off.
[Spot from M to W 1.]
W 1 : Weary of playing with me. Get off me. Yes.
[Spot from W 1to M.]
M : Looking for something. In my face. Some truth. In my eyes. Not even.
[Spot from M to W2.

W2 : Laugh as before [cut short]

     [Spot from W2 to M.]
M : Mere eye. No mind. Opening and shutting on me. Am I as much --
[Spot  off. Blackout. Three seconds.

    Spot on M.]
M : Am I much as . . . being seen?


[Spot off  M. Blackout. Five seconds.

    Faint spots simultaneously on three faces.Three seconds.

    Voices faint largely unintelligible.]

 

(altogether)

W1: Yes strange    darkness best     and the darker    the worse

W2: Yes perhaps    a shade gone    I suppose    some might say

M: Yes peace    one assumed    all out    all the pain

W1:till all dark    then all well    for the time    but it will come

W2: poor thing    a shade gone    just a shade    in the head

M: all as if    never been    it will come   Hiccup. Pardon

 

W1: the time will come    the thing is there    you'll see it

W2: Laugh . . .    just a shade    but I doubt it

M: no sense in this    oh I know    none the less

 

W1: get off me    keep off me    all dark    all still

W2: I doubt it    not really    I'm all right    still all right

M: one assumed    peace I mean    not merely    all over

 

W1: all over    wiped out   --

W2: do my best    all I can --

M: but as if    never been --

 

Blackout. Five seconds.

Spots on three faces. Three seconds.

 

(altogether)

W1: I said to him, Give her up –

W2: One Morning as I was sitting –

M: We were not long together –

Spots off. Blackout. Five seconds.

 

Repeat Play.

 

M : [Closing repeat.] Am I as much as . . . being seen?
[Spot off M. Blackout. Five seconds.

      Strong spots simultaneously on   three faces. Three seconds.]

     

     [Altogether. Voices normal strength.]

W 1 I said to him. Give her up --

W 2 One morning as I was sitting --

M : We were not long together --

 

   [Spots off. Blackout. Five seconds.

   Spot on M.]


M : We were not long together --
[Spot off M. Blackout. Five seconds.]

 

                                                CURTAIN

Beckett - Not I

C, my partner, loves Beckett(1906-1989). Myself I have always been ambivalent towards the theatre but was aware of Samuel Beckett and, of course, Waiting for Godot. Last summer however C convinced me to watch a couple of pieces by Beckett and I was, to put it mildly, ever so slightly blown away. I was especially blown away by Play as performed by Alan Rickman, Kristin Scott-Thomas, and Juliet Stevenson and directed by Anthony Minghella. Play features three heads sticking out of decaying ancient clay jars. The heads look as ancient and decaying as the jars and they in rapid monotone recite their past relationships, affair and recrimination, into the ether around them. It is a stunning piece of theatre. Unfortunately the version that was on Youtube has been removed.

[caption id="" align="alignright" width="200"] Billie Whitelaw[/caption]

What is on Youtube still is the seminal performance of Beckett's Not I performed by Billie Whitelaw. In the original, stage, performances of the play the actress playing 'Mouth' would be elevated above the stage and faintly lit. In the version below almost the entirety of the screen is dominated by Whitelaw's mouth and the character referred to in the stage directions as 'The Auditor' is entirely omitted, something that is in keeping with performances of the play in which Beckett himself was involved.

Not I, like Play, is quite a difficult piece to keep up with due to the rapid fire delivery of the monologue. A person really has to concentrate and, I feel, to fully appreciate the piece having a copy of the play to hand helps a great deal also. For that reason I've reproduced it, complete with stage directions, below the video.

What I love about this piece, and I really do love it, is the intensity with which the words are delivered as Mouth, Whitelaw, moves from memory to memory. Each memory building upon the other, crashing over Mouth like storm waves hitting a shore. The focus entirely on Whitelaw's mouth and the effort required to follow the play draws you deeper and deeper into the psyche of Mouth. It's really powerful.

The video below is book ended by Whitelaw discussing the recording of the piece and afterwards she recalls watching it through with Beckett. His response was merely one word: "Marvellous". I have to agree.

Hope you enjoy. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhzssmWVbr4

Note:
Movement: this consists in simple sideways raising of arms from sides and their falling back, in a gesture of helpless compassion. It lessens with each recurrence till scarcely perceptible at third. There is just enough pause to contain it as MOUTH recovers from vehement refusal to relinquish third person.

Stage in darkness but for MOUTH, upstage audience right, about 8 feet above stage level, faintly lit from close-up and below, rest of face in shadow. Invisible microphone.
AUDITOR, downstage audience left, tall standing figure, sex undeterminable, enveloped from head to foot in loose black djellaba, with hood, fully faintly lit, standing on invisible podium about 4 feet high shown by attitude alone to be facing diagonally across stage intent on MOUTH, dead still throughout but for four brief movements where indicated. See Note.
As house lights down MOUTH`S voice unintelligible behind curtain. House lights out. Voice continues unintelligible behind curtain, l0 seconds. With rise of curtain ad-libbing from text as required leading when curtain fully up and attention sufficient into:

MOUTH: . . . . out . . . into this world . . . this world . . . tiny little thing . . . before its time . . . in a godfor– . . . what? . . girl? . . yes . . . tiny little girl . . . into this . . . out into this . . . before her time . . . godforsaken hole called . . . called . . . no matter . . . parents unknown . . . unheard of . . . he having vanished . . . thin air . . . no sooner buttoned up his breeches . . . she similarly . . . eight months later . . . almost to the tick . . . so no love . . . spared that . . . no love such as normally vented on the . . . speechless infant . . . in the home . . . no . . . nor indeed for that matter any of any kind . . . no love of any kind . . . at any subsequent stage . . . so typical affair . . . nothing of any note till coming up to sixty when– . . . what? . . seventy?. . good God! . . coming up to seventy . . . wandering in a field . . . looking aimlessly for cowslips . . . to make a ball . . . a few steps then stop . . . stare into space . . . then on . . . a few more . . . stop and stare again . . . so on . . . drifting around . . . when suddenly . . . gradually . . . all went out . . . all that early April morning light . . . and she found herself in the--– . . . what? . . who? . . no! . . she! . . [Pause and movement 1.] . . . found herself in the dark . . . and if not exactly . . . insentient . . . insentient . . . for she could still hear the buzzing . . . so-called . . . in the ears . . . and a ray of light came and went . . . came and went . . . such as the moon might cast . . . drifting . . . in and out of cloud . . . but so dulled . . . feeling . . . feeling so dulled . . . she did not know . . . what position she was in . . . imagine! . . what position she was in! . . whether standing . . . or sitting . . . but the brain– . . . what?. . kneeling? . . yes . . . whether standing . . . or sitting . . . or kneeling . . . but the brain– . . . what? . . lying? . . yes . . whether standing . . . or sitting . . . or kneeling . . . or lying . . . but the brain still . . . still . . . in a way . . . for her first thought was . . . oh long after . . . sudden flash . . . brought up as she had been to believe . . . with the other waifs . . . in a merciful . . . [Brief laugh.] . . . God . . . [Good laugh.] . . . first thought was . . . oh long after . . . sudden flash . . . she was being punished . . . for her sins . . . a number of which then . . . further proof if proof were needed . . . flashed through her mind . . . one after another . . . then dismissed as foolish . . . oh long after . . . this thought dismissed . . . as she suddenly realized . . . gradually realized . . . she was not suffering . . . imagine! . . not suffering! . . indeed could not remember . . . off-hand . . . when she had suffered less . . . unless of course she was . . . meant to be suffering . . . ha! . . thought to be suffering . . . just as the odd time . . . in her life . . . when clearly intended to be having pleasure . . . she was in fact . . . having none . . . not the slightest . . . in which case of course . . . that notion of punishment . . . for some sin or other . . . or for the lot . . . or no particular reason . . . for its own sake . . . thing she understood perfectly . . . that notion of punishment . . . which had first occurred to her . . . brought up as she had been to believe . . . with the other waifs . . . in a merciful . . . [Brief laugh.] . . . God . . . [Good laugh.] . . . first occurred to her . . . then dismissed . . . as foolish . . . was perhaps not so foolish . . . after all . . . so on . . . all that . . . vain reasonings . . . till another thought . . . oh long after . . . sudden flash . . . . . very foolish really but– . . . what? . . the buzzing? . . yes . . . all the time buzzing . . . so-called . . . in the ears . . . though of course actually . . . not in the ears at all . . . in the skull . . . dull roar in the skull . . . and all the time this ray or beam . . . like moonbeam . . . but probably not . . . certainly not . . . always the same spot . . . now bright . . . now shrouded . . . but always the same spot . . . as no moon could . . . no . . . no moon . . . just all part of the same wish to . . . torment . . . though actually in point of fact . . . not in the least . . . not a twinge . . . so far . . . ha! . . so far . . . this other thought then . . . oh long after . . . sudden flash . . . very foolish really but so like her . . . in a way . . . that she might do well to . . . groan . . . on and off . . . writhe she could not . . . as if in actual agony . . . but could not . . . could not bring herself . . . some flaw in her make-up . . . incapable of deceit . . . or the machine . . . more likely the machine . . . so disconnected . . . never got the message . . . or powerless to respond . . . like numbed . . . couldn't make the sound . . . not any sound . . . no sound of any kind . . . no screaming for help for example . . . should she feel so inclined . . . scream . . . [Screams.] . . . then listen . . . [Silence.] . . . scream again . . . [Screams again.] . . . then listen again . . . [Silence.] . . . no . . . spared that . . . all silent as the grave . . . no part–. . . what? . . the buzzing? . . yes . . . all silent but for the buzzing . . . so-called . . . no part of her moving . . . that she could feel . . . just the eyelids . . . presumably . . . on and off . . . shut out the light . . . reflex they call it . . . no feeling of any kind . . . but the lids . . . even best of times . . . who feels them? . . opening . . . shutting . . . all that moisture . . .but the brain still . . . still sufficiently . . . oh very much so! . . at this stage . . . in control . . . under control . . . to question even this . . . for on that April morning . . . so it reasoned . . . that April morning . . . she fixing with her eye . . . a distant bell . . . as she hastened towards it . . . fixing it with her eye . . . lest it elude her . . . had not all gone out . . . all that light . . . of itself . . . without any . . . any. . . on her part . . . so on . . . so on it reasoned . . . vain questionings . . . and all dead still . . . sweet silent as the grave . . . when suddenly . . . gradually . . . she realiz–. . . what? . . the buzzing? . . yes . . . all dead still but for the buzzing . . . when suddenly she realized . . . words were– . . . what? . . who?. . no! . . she! . . [Pause and movement 2.] . . . realized . . . words were coming . . . imagine! . . . words were coming . . . a voice she did not recognize at first so long since it had sounded . . . then finally had to admit . . . could be none other . . . than her own . . . certain vowel sounds . . . she had never heard . . . elsewhere . . . so that people would stare . . . the rare occasions . . . once or twice a year . . . always winter some strange reason . . . stare at her uncom-prehending . . . and now this stream . . . steady stream . . . she who had never . . . on the contrary . . . practically speechless . . . all her days . . . how she survived! . . even shopping . . . out shopping . . . busy shopping centre . . . supermart . . . just hand in the list . . . with the bag . . . old black shopping bag . . . then stand there waiting . . . any length of time . . . middle of the throng . . . motionless . . . staring into space . . . mouth half open as usual . . . till it
was back in her hand . . . the bag back in her hand . . . then pay and go . . . not as much as good-bye . . . how she survived! . . and now this stream . . . not catching the half of it . . . not the quarter . . . no idea . . . what she was saying . . . imagine! . . no idea what she was saying! . . till she began trying to . . . delude herself . . . it was not hers at all . . . not her voice at all . . . and no doubt would have . . . vital she should . . . was on the point . . . after long efforts . . . when suddenly she felt . . . gradually she felt . . . her lips moving . . . imagine! . . her lips moving! . . as of course till then she had not . . . and not alone the lips . . . the cheeks . . . the jaws . . . the whole face . . . all those– . . what?. . the tongue? . . yes . . . the tongue in the mouth . . . all those contortions without which . . . no speech possible . . . and yet in the ordinary way . . . not felt at all . . . so intent one is . . . on what one is saying . . . the whole being . . . hanging on its words . . . so that not only she had . . . had she . . . not only had she . . . to give up . . . admit hers alone . . . her voice alone . . . but this other awful thought . . . oh long after . . . sudden flash . . . even more awful if possible . . . that feeling was coming back . . . imagine! . . feeling coming back! . . starting at the top . . . then working down . . . the whole machine . . . but no . . . spared that . . . the mouth alone . . . so far . . . ha! . . so far . . . then thinking . . . oh long after . . . sudden flash . . . it can't go on . . . all this . . . all that . . . steady stream . . . straining to hear . . . make some-thing of it . . . and her own thoughts . . . make something of them . . . all– . . . what? . . the buzzing? . . yes . . . all the time the buzzing . . . so-called . . . all that together . . . imagine! . . whole body like gone . . . just the mouth . . . lips . . . cheeks . . . jaws . . . never– . . . what?. . tongue? . . yes . . . lips. . . cheeks . . . jaws . . . tongue . . . never still a second . . . mouth on fire . . . stream of words . . . in her ear . . . practically in her ear . . . not catching the half . . . not the quarter . . . no idea what she's saying . . . imagine! . . no idea what she's saying! . . and can't stop . . . no stopping it . . . she who but a moment before . . . but a moment! . . could not make a sound . . . no sound of any kind . . . now can't stop . . . imagine! . . can't stop the stream . . . and the whole brain begging . . . something begging in the brain . . . begging the mouth to stop . . . pause a moment . . . if only for a moment . . . and no response . . . as if it hadn’t heard . . . or couldn’t . . . couldn't pause a second . . . like maddened . . . all that together . . . straining to hear . . . piece it together . . . and the brain . . . raving away on its own . . . trying to make sense of it . . . or make it stop . . . or in the past . . . dragging up the past . . . flashes from all over . . . walks mostly . . . walking all her days . . . day after day . . . a few steps then stop . . . stare into space . . . then on . . . a few more . . . stop and stare again . . . so on . . . drifting around . . . day after day . . . or that time she cried . . . the one time she could remember . . . since she was a baby . . . must have cried as a baby . . . perhaps not . . . not essential to life . . . just the birth cry to get her going . . . breathing . . . then no more till this . . . old hag already . . . sitting staring at her hand . . . where was it? . . Croker's Acres . . . one evening on the way home . . . home! . . a little mound in Croker's Acres . . . dusk . . . sitting staring at her hand . . . there in her lap . . . palm upward . . . suddenly saw it wet . . . the palm . . . tears presumably . . . hers presumably . . . no one else for miles . . . no sound . . . just the tears . . . sat and watched them dry . . . all over in a second . . . or grabbing at straw . . . the brain . . . flickering away on its own . . . quick grab and on. . . nothing there . . . on to the next . . . bad as the voice . . . worse . . . as little sense . . . all that together . . . can't– . . . what? . . the buzzing? . . yes . . . all the time the buzzing . . . dull roar like falls . . . and the beam . . . flickering on and off . . . starting to move around . . . like moonbeam but not . . . all part of the same . . . keep an eye on that too . . . corner of the eye . . . all that together . . . can't go on . . . God is love . . . she'll be purged . . . back in the field . . . morning sun . . . April . . . sink face down in the grass . . . nothing but the larks . . . so on . . . grabbing at the straw . . . straining to hear . . . the odd word . . . make some sense of it . . . whole body like gone . . . just the mouth . . . like maddened . . . and can't stop . . . no stopping it . . . something she– . . . something she had to– . . . what? . . who? . . no! . . she! . . [Pause and movement 3.] . . . something she had to–. . . what? . . the buzzing? . . yes . . . all the time the buzzing . . . dull roar . . . in the skull . . . and the beam . . . ferreting around . . . painless . . . so far . . . ha! . . so far . . . then thinking . . . oh long after . . . sudden flash . . . perhaps something she had to . . . had to . . . tell . . . could that be it? . . something she had to . . . tell . . . tiny little thing . . . before its time . . . godforsaken hole . . . no love . . . spared that . . . speechless all her days . . . practically speechless . . . how she survived! . . that time in court . . . what had she to say for herself . . . guilty or not guilty . . . stand up woman . . . speak up woman . . . stood there staring into space . . . mouth half open as usual . . . waiting to be led away . . . glad of the hand on her arm . . . now this . . . some-thing she had to tell . . . could that be it? . . something that would tell . . . how it was . . . how she– . . . what? . . had been? . . yes . . . something that would tell how it had been . . . how she had lived . . . lived on and on . . . guilty or not . . . on and on . . . to be sixty . . . something she– . . . what? . . seventy? . . good God! . . on and on to be seventy . . . something she didn't know herself . . . wouldn't know if she heard . . . then forgiven . . . God is love . . . tender mercies . . . new every morning . . . back in the field . . . April morning . . . face in the grass . . . nothing but the larks . . . pick it up there . . . get on with it from there . . . another few– . . . what? . . not that? . . nothing to do with that? . . nothing she could tell? . . all right . . . nothing she could tell . . . try something else . . . think of something else . . . oh long after . . . sudden flash . . . not that either . . . all right . . . something else again . . . so on . . . hit on it in the end . . . think everything keep on long enough . . . then forgiven . . . back in the– . . . what? . . not that either? . . nothing to do with that either? . . nothing she could think? . . all right . . . nothing she could tell . . . nothing she could think . . . nothing she– . . what? . . who? . . no! . . she! . . [Pause and movement 4.] . . . tiny little thing . . . out before its time . . . godforsaken hole . . . no love . . . spared that . . . speechless all her days . . . practically speechless . . . even to herself . . . never out loud . . . but not completely . . . sometimes sudden urge . . . once or twice a year . . . always winter some strange reason . . . the long evenings . . . hours of darkness . . . sudden urge to . . . tell . . . then rush out stop the first she saw . . . nearest lavatory . . . start pouring it out . . . steady stream . . . mad stuff . . . half the vowels wrong . . . no one could follow . . . till she saw the stare she was getting . . . then die of shame . . . crawl back in . . . once or twice a year . . . always winter some strange reason . . . long hours of darkness . . . now this . . . this . . . quicker and quicker . . . the words . . . the brain . . . flickering away like mad . . . quick grab and on . . . nothing there . . . on somewhere else . . . try somewhere else . . . all the time something begging . . . something in her begging . . . begging it all to stop . . . unanswered . . . prayer unanswered . . . or unheard . . . too faint . . . so on . . . keep on . . . trying . . . not knowing what . . . what she was trying . . . what to try . . . whole body like gone . . . just the mouth . . . like maddened . . . so on . . . keep– . . . what? . . the buzzing? . . yes . . . all the time the buzzing . . . dull roar like falls . . . in the skull . . . and the beam . . . poking around . . . painless . . . so far . . . ha! . . so far . . . all that . . . keep on . . . not knowing what . . . what she was– . . . what? . . who? . . no! . . she! . . SHE! . . [Pause.] . . . what she was trying . . . what to try . . . no matter . . . keep on . . . [Curtain starts down.] . . . hit on it in the end . . . then back . . . God is love . . . tender mercies . . . new every morning . . . back in the field . . . April morning . . . face in the grass . . . nothing but the larks . . . pick it up–

[Curtain fully down. House dark. Voice continues behind curtain, unintelligible, 10 seconds, ceases as house lights up.]